Love is free and yet tied to obligation. It has rules and preconceived notions tying it down, keeping it from being open and pure. Societal pressures, ignorant questioning and outsider analyzation muck up the clear water of emotional connection until its too contaminated to enjoy. All past tragedies, traumas and treatment impairs one’s ability to even accept the free gift of love, and it brings on a special desperation to instead hold on to it with constant fear of loss. “To love is to suffer” as Woody Allen describes both cynically and rather appropriately, and I’m tied to this notion with the inability to fathom how it might not be true. How can something so wonderful, happy, and exciting be so readily weighed down by anxiety and insecurities? Where do we learn to react this way? Is it learned from being hurt? Is it something to unlearn? Can the romantic notion of being “rescued” from this way of thinking by someone be too ridiculous an idea to hope for? I think I must have listened to too many silly love songs growing up and the “I can’t live if living is without you” lyrical claw has gripped my heart and mind, never to let me love freely, openly and without fear.
I know this can’t be my fate forever. Surely we are condemned only to what we allow our minds to hold us to. But positive thinking can only go so far to erase a lifetime of pain. Abandonment, feelings of loss and separation anxiety seem to run rampant all througout childhood, culminating with our first experience of heartbreak, which arrives just in time to ruin any hope of having a rational, mature, fearless connection with another person. We go through life knowing that endings are as inevitable as death… and in fact are one in the same. Life cycles are found in physical bodies as well as in irrational emotions… the separation of soul and body may or may not exist, but there are forces at work that cannot be seen and affect us in every way imaginable. They create and destroy at seemingly arbitrary whims. We can’t even decide who we love; but what’s even more out of our control is the ability to get our love to love us back. But that certainly doesn’t seem to keep us from trying, does it? No wonder all this crap is scary. Vulnerability with no safety net is like going into battle with no armor, and though the wounds suffered won’t be life threatening, it certainly feels like they are when you get hit.