In too deep

If you know me or my typical blog entries, you know I’m depressed. I’m overall a relatively negative person, though I often cover that up by calling myself a realist (since there is no shortage of available labels to saddle yourself with in the English language). As I’ve grown older and more accustomed to my life with depression, I’ve noticed it hits me in waves. The more I’m able to cry and REALLY wallow in it, the quicker it passes. Like a giant wave crashing into flat shore, its gone almost as soon as it rears its ugly head and I can go about my life, enjoying the beach. Though, unfortunately I used the term “enjoying” extremely loosely, as nothing in the haze of depression is really enjoyed. I exist, anyway. That must count for something.

To my original point… if I am stranded in public, or worse, at work – and I cannot release through tears or mental breakdown, I get into this prolonged sadness that feels exceptionally hopeless for a much longer period of time than the giant, scary wave. It feels more like I’ve been helicoptered over to the middle of the Pacific and, with no land in sight, dropped in to face unending treading of water. I get weak extremely quickly, any small thing sets me off and I lose my stamina – I go under. I flail. I see no point to fighting after a while and I slump into giving up. Then it passes, but usually not until I drink some wine, smoke some pot, or go to sleep.

My boyfriend points out that these episodes don’t happen that often and I’m often not in the midst of “depression” all the time, but its really hard to remember when I was able to completely forget the impending doom depression brings, and just be. Just… enjoy. I guess the best way I can describe the rest of my life, when not being dragged out to sea or clobbered by giant waves, is like having the constant feeling of wearing clothes drenched in sea water. Just walking around, constantly reminded of imminent sadness by the feeling of being soaked and sticky. Makes everything a little less enjoyable, a little less pleasant. Its hard to see the sun when you’re always looking down at your feet, worried about when the next wave will hit.

I’m sorry this wasn’t a very uplifting entry… I’m not even in the water right now.

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