I guess I’m mostly writing to get that last entry off the top of this screen. I never mean to be a downer – though I often am – but rather I hope to shed some light on a pretty dark topic, in hopes it brings some understanding to those who don’t understand depression or make those who have it feel a little less alone in the world.
I’ve discovered the key to my own personal happiness is movement. It takes the form of many things, but most notably its in working out. I’ve had the privilege (I won’t dare call it pleasure) of “sitting in” (term used ironically) on my friend’s personal trainer sessions. The guy has destroyed me in the worst way possible, but I notice my depression is kept at bay as a result… in fact I can barely sense it as long as I keep pushing myself to do more each day. Its a great feeling to finally hold a key, whether its a temporary bandaid or not, that doesn’t include pot, alcohol or other mindless, self-destructive distractions.
Beyond that, I’m finally giving in to the idea that I will never have a true career to my name. And I don’t want one. I could never be pigeon-holed to one job, one field even. I get bored too quickly. My joy comes from the mastering of new skills… and once I have, I must move on to something different. I may never get rich or stable with this kind of life, but I’ve seen what that’s like and I’m just not interested in any of the offered benefits. I enjoy problem solving. I need problems to solve.
I still don’t get the point of life, or why we’re here and why we must suffer through existence until it inevitably ends much too soon. But I suppose I should finally get my head out of my ass and start enjoying while I’m still here to enjoy. So I will.